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feelings, and the strong, confident person that Derek had
fallen in love with. It was when he realized that Scott was
more than a physical body for him to share experiences with.
He was someone who saw the world as Derek saw it, with
optimism and naive idealism.
At the same time, it was the moment that Derek realized
that the differences between the two of them were what
made them such a perfect pair. Scott's self-assurance and his
ability to put his emotions into words, was the perfect balance
to Derek's rational stability. Derek had the foundation of
having lived in one place and having parents who were proud
of his accomplishments rather than constantly pushing for a
perfection that he would never attain. Scott had the
confidence to be himself. If it hadn't been for Scott, Derek
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never would have lowered his guard and allowed himself to
experience everything that he had with Scott.
What started as an image in his mind of Scott and the
feelings he and Scott had shared, turned into a feeling of
what he and Scott no longer shared. Like a knot was tied
around his heart, it tightened minute by minute. He imagined
Scott's lips against his and the arousal that he felt each time
Scott smiled his crooked grin or bit his lower lip. Their shared
dedication to wrestling and the sense of pride at a move
executed perfectly or a match fought for and won. The
alignment of their thinking, despite the different ways they
expressed themselves; Scott with words and Derek through
music. And, like a wave washing over him, he began to drown
in the knowledge that he couldn't have that with Scott
anymore.
As these feelings bombarded Derek one after the other, his
heart began to beat faster and his breathing became shallow.
His lungs constricted, limiting his ability to take in air, and his
vision became blurry. His eyes began to sting as he felt a
burning wetness in them, and then streaming tears as they
poured down his cheeks. He hadn't noticed that Beck had
moved, but became suddenly aware that he was being held
tightly. Allowing Beck to pull his head to her chest, he rested
against the warm softness of her body as he was racked by
sobs. Beck rocked him, whispering, "I'm here. I'm here." Until
his crying had subsided.
* * * *
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When Derek got home from practice, his parents' car was
not in the driveway. Entering the house, he found his dad
sitting at the kitchen table. "Hey, Dad. Where's Mom?"
His dad looked up when Derek entered the kitchen. "She
went out with one of her girlfriends tonight. I was thinking we
could go grab a bite to eat. Your choice. What do you say?"
"Sure, sounds good." The day had been draining for Derek.
Having an easy evening with his dad who rarely engaged him
in serious discussion seemed like the perfect remedy for his
overwrought mind. Grabbing their coats, they headed to
Derek's car. "Hmm, why don't we go to Bisuteki?" Derek
thought that watching the chefs chop and demolish food
before his eyes on the stove-top tables would be the kind of
aggression that would make him feel better.
"Good choice. Your mom will be upset with the amount of
salt I'm about to eat, but she's not here right now. Let's go."
His father smiled, enjoying this passive form of resistance
against his mother's insistence on healthy eating and obeying
the increasing demands of his doctor.
Their table was full and the chef put on a good show,
tossing shrimp tails into his hat with his knife and chopping
onions into perfect rings, stacking them together and sending
flames shooting towards the ceiling. They talked about
Derek's college applications and the schools he wanted to
attend. Derek was hoping to remain local, but did not want to
live at home once he began his freshman year. His top
choices were Boston University, Northeastern University, and
Tufts. Each of these colleges provided easy access to the city,
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but they were close enough so that he could come home for
his mom's cooking whenever he wanted.
His father became excited as they discussed college life.
"It's the best time in your life, son. No responsibility besides
studying. Your first taste of freedom. Tons of kids figuring
themselves out all together in one location. You know college
is where I met your mom right?" Derek had heard the story of
how his parents had met countless times, but he enjoyed
hearing it each time it was told. "I was this cocky kid
majoring in economics. Your mom majored in English. My
crowd dreamed of making their first million by the time we
were twenty-five and your mom's crowd dreamed of romance
and writing love stories which would be turned into
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