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"She liked you a lot. She told me."
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Noah smiled. "Well, that much I know. She didn't really
make it a secret." He took the clean bowl from Phan.
"How about I dry?"
Phan let him take the bowl and reached for the mixing
spoon. "She was like that -- if she liked you, she made
sure you knew. She said that the worst thing in the world
was that people didn't know they were loved. So she
made a point of being right out there with her affection."
Noah glanced sidelong at Phan, who, in contrast to Mrs.
Miller, was generally more about saying things by not
actually saying them at all -- this moment included.
"I'm... sure you appreciated that," Noah goaded.
For a long moment Phan didn't say anything at all. Then
he nodded, the gesture jerky. "She told me she loved me
even before Sir did. She... she was the first person to
love me since I was a child." His shoulders started to
shake, and he put the mixing spoon back in the water.
Noah put down the dry mixing bowl and tossed his
towel on the counter. "Oh, hon," he said quickly,
slipping his arms around Phan's waist. "She might have
been the first, but she wasn't the last."
Phan curled into him immediately, tears sliding down
his cheeks. "She was like my grandmother, you know? I
could talk to her about almost anything, and she just
nodded and told me she believed in me. Every single
time. She helped me so much, and I miss her all the
time."
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Noah nodded, hugging Phan close. "You do know that's
completely normal, right, Phan? I mean, to miss
someone that much? It just shows how much you loved
her, and that's okay, you know? It's totally okay."
Phan nodded, his face still pushed against Noah's chest.
"I feel bad, though. Because when there are too many
people here, touching her things, I worry. What if they
break her sugar bowl? And now that her room is gone,
those things of hers are really important to me."
Noah winced a little. The gym that had replaced Mrs.
Miller's bedroom upstairs had been his request. While he
understood the impulse, he honestly thought it would
have been creepy to keep her room the way she had left
it, and truly believed that she would have wanted Noah
and Phan to put their stamp on the house. Phan hadn't
really protested at the time; he'd seemed sad, but they
had all been sad then.
"I know, Phan. I understand, I do." Hopefully their plans
to expand the bunkhouse would help. Noah made a
mental note to ask his Master to get started on those
renovations as soon as possible.
"I know." Phan's tears eased off but he sighed deeply,
and didn't let go. "I do want to move on, kitten. I do.
And I wouldn't want a museum for her. I think I just
don't know how to grieve. I mean, I'm still learning how
to feel, right?"
Well, that was true enough. It had been a long while
before Phan had been able to accept the things he did
feel as okay, before he stopped punishing himself for
Safe Words: A Deviations Novel - 100
being happy and apologizing for wanting or needing just
about anything. He wasn't raised with love, not the
gentle kind that Mrs. M had obviously offered him.
"It's a lot to take in at once, huh?" Noah asked, just
trying to help Phan find words to get some of this out of
his system.
"It makes me kind of embarrassed," Phan mumbled. "No
one else seems to hang onto things as long as me. It
underlines how emotionally immature I am; it's like I'm
thirteen."
"But that's a good thing, Phan. Most people forget their
emotions after a while. Lose touch with them. You
remember. You are honoring her by keeping her
memory present. That's not something to be embarrassed
about." Noah laughed softly. "Although you certainly
have a teenage libido," he joked.
"Oh, and you don't?" Phan gave him a slightly watery
grin. "I need to keep up with you so Sir doesn't go
without."
"So, really, he's the one with the libido issues?" Noah
put a little space between them, letting Phan get some
air. "You know, Phan, everyone deals with emotions,
with grief, differently. Don't be embarrassed, just be
honest. Sir and I both appreciate that, and I'm sure Mrs.
M did, too. You don't hide anything else." Noah glanced
down at Phan's crotch, which seemed remarkably under
control at the moment.
Safe Words: A Deviations Novel - 101
"That's kinda my defense." Phan rolled his eyes and
looked around the kitchen. "I put it all out there, every
bit of me, and don't give a flying fuck what anyone
thinks, aside from Sir and you. And a few others. But
this is different. It's... Elizabeth was different. There
wasn't anyone like her, ever." He paused and made a
face. "I'm going to have to talk to my therapist about
this, aren't I?"
Noah couldn't help but grin. "Yep."
"Damn it. Dr. Brewer will be thrilled -- it's been weeks
since she's had something to sink her teeth into."
Noah gave Phan's hand a squeeze. "So, you finished the
dusting?" He walked over and shut off the oven as the
timer started to beep.
"Not yet. I have to do upstairs. What's next on your
schedule?"
"Well, I thought I'd bring a slice of the banana bread to
Sir while it's still warm and then I'd get the vacuum out.
We should think about dinner, too. Oh, and I think I
heard Sir talking with Bradford about dinner out here...
maybe tomorrow night?"
"For who?" Phan looked at him with a tiny frown. "I
don't know if we have groceries for any more than about
six people."
"I don't know. I'll ask. Hopefully just Master Bradford
and Nikki." Noah pulled the hot bread from the oven
and set it on a cooling rack. "Want a bite?"
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"No, thank you. You're making me fat. And asking Sir is
always a good idea." Phan nodded and went into the
pantry. "There's enough things for breakfast if they stay
and want pancakes."
"Fat," Noah snorted. "Right." He pulled out a knife and
cut a thick slice, placing it on a plate. He cut it too early,
he knew, and could almost hear Mrs. M chastising him
about not waiting long enough for the crust to set, but
this was how he liked it best, and his Master did, too.
"Put lots of butter on Sir's." Phan leaned in and sniffed.
"Good job, kitten. She'd be proud. Except you cut it way
too soon."
"I know," Noah winked at Phan. "I practically heard her
say so." He headed for the refrigerator and pulled out the
butter.
"I hear her all the time in this house." Phan put one of
his hands on the wall and nodded, probably to himself.
"All the time. That's why I love it so much."
Noah gave Phan a kiss on the cheek as he passed by.
"It's really grown on me. I was such a city mouse when I
met Sir." He pulled out a knife and drowned the hot slice
of bread in butter.
"You're still a city mouse. So am I, I guess. But I love
the way this house feels."
"Me, too." Noah picked up the plate and headed for the
door. "I'll be upstairs with the vacuum in an hour or so."
Safe Words: A Deviations Novel - 103
"Not much sense in dusting, then. Maybe I'll polish the
dining room."
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